We are currently in the throes of two-year-old intensity with your little brother Sam. Man, he is a tough kid. This is an area of parenting that I am certain mother's block out, almost completely, and no wonder. It is so high-stress and frustrating it's better not to remember. I feel that with each child I conclude that THIS child is the MOST frustrating, until, like an amnesia victim regaining their memory, I have a flashback of a moment, and remember that you all went through this stage, and although you each manifested it differently, the stage ended and all was well.
The pattern for our family so far has been this: it begins anywhere from age 1 to age 3 and runs it's course for about 2 years. It has manifested itself in a unique way with each child, depending on their personality. For some reason there seems to be this two-year lifespan to the "terrible twos," although in my current research I have found some sources listing it as lasting one year instead of two. (I like comfort myself in this by telling myself that you kids are particularly strong-willed- you are my children after all :).
Adley began his "terrible twos" stage, which, in him, was manifest as his "frustration stage," around age 15 months. I was very pregnant with you, which may have spurred it on. He naturally had, and still has a very low frustration level mixed with a very particular idea of what he wants to see/do/hear, etc. As a typical first-born, you could call it "perfectionist tendencies." I think his lack of ability to carry out his lofty desires, aggravated by an impending necessity to share his mom with a new baby was the immediate trigger of his episodes. His tantrums were very intense, sometimes going on for over an hour screaming and flailing in his room (where I put him to work it out). Often if I held him close (he would physically fight this for a long time) he would eventually collapse and appreciate the security of being held. Right after his 3rd birthday, like clockwork, the episodes subsided dramatically, and by age 4, he was overall an easy, pleasant kid. Of course, the easily frustrated, perfectionist nature is still there, he has just learned to cope better.
You, on the other hand, were a completely easy-going, adorable baby and toddler, but a little before your third birthday your "stubborn stage" hit. The triggers were probably, once again, the arrival of a new baby (Sam), and potty-training. It was actually in the potty training experience that we saw a lot of this "stubborn stage" begin to manifest. We learned that you internally stressed about expectations a lot more than it seemed. We always felt like you were so easy-going, but learned that you kept your feelings of stress hidden. We also learned that you were a pretty stubborn girl and liked to have control over your life (I mean you ARE a woman :). Potty training was difficult, and we eventually let off and let you do it when you were ready because it became such a power struggle. You wanted to wear what you wanted, started having many "dramatic" episodes involving running upstairs to your room and slamming the door. You would burst into tears at random times and dig your heels in on various things all day long. Of course, during this time, I had Sam, became pregnant with Ezra, and then you had two babies who you loved to dote on, but were also making it difficult for me to carry and hold you like you wished. You were, and still are, a very affectionate person and wanted me to carry you a lot of the day. With my back problems and pregnancies this was difficult, and very frustrating to you. Around age 4 1/2, or shortly after Ezra was born, your "stubborn episodes" started to decrease, and by age 5 you were a helpful, happy, sweet, rational girl, who still has a lot of stubbornness, but has learned to channel it and be more reasonable.
Now back to realtime, Sam. We'll call this his "angry stage," because that is how his "terrible twos" have been and continue to be manifest. His "switch" started around the 15 month mark, just like Adley's. I'm sure having a baby brother born at just that time was a huge trigger (I see a pattern here :). Sam has been a particularly intense kid from the get-go, but around 15 months his episodes of anger have increased and intensified. They began to subside a little this fall, but have cropped up again the last few weeks with greater intensity. Another trigger for Sam is his eczema, which flares up particularly in the early summer and early winter, I guess with the most extreme temperatures. We are hoping to get this under control and see a gradual diminishing of the unreasonable craziness by springtime, shortly after his third birthday.
At least this is what I hope. The thing is, even when you have gone through it before, there is a part of you that is a little nervous, thinking, "wow, maybe this time I HAVE actually produced the spawn of Satan," or "maybe I will have a child that chucks chairs and hits me and screams and takes things and pushes and hits and cries incessantly when they are 18." It's a scary thought. But, in my rational moments I remind myself that I thought this before, and I was wrong. Once again, the wisdom of the ages held true, it really was "just a stage." So, with that in mind, do what you can to survive. I try and read a million parenting books and stay as calm, consistent, and rational in the face of two-year-old craziness as much as possible (the key word is "try"). I put both Adley and Sam in preschool at 2 to give me a tantrum break two mornings a week. I know this isn't always doable for everyone, but getting a break from your difficult young child from time to time is a priority, and helps you be a better mother when you are with them. Whether it's switching with another mother, asking family to help out, or preschool, it's worth the effort. Be kind to yourself during this time as well, dealing with a toddler is exhausting and can really make you feel like a failure. TRY and remember that it is just a stage and any angry words/violence toward you from this age group is NOT how they really feel, don't take it personal. You have the toughest job on the planet, but are the only one that can do it right, and you will!
The pattern for our family so far has been this: it begins anywhere from age 1 to age 3 and runs it's course for about 2 years. It has manifested itself in a unique way with each child, depending on their personality. For some reason there seems to be this two-year lifespan to the "terrible twos," although in my current research I have found some sources listing it as lasting one year instead of two. (I like comfort myself in this by telling myself that you kids are particularly strong-willed- you are my children after all :).
Adley began his "terrible twos" stage, which, in him, was manifest as his "frustration stage," around age 15 months. I was very pregnant with you, which may have spurred it on. He naturally had, and still has a very low frustration level mixed with a very particular idea of what he wants to see/do/hear, etc. As a typical first-born, you could call it "perfectionist tendencies." I think his lack of ability to carry out his lofty desires, aggravated by an impending necessity to share his mom with a new baby was the immediate trigger of his episodes. His tantrums were very intense, sometimes going on for over an hour screaming and flailing in his room (where I put him to work it out). Often if I held him close (he would physically fight this for a long time) he would eventually collapse and appreciate the security of being held. Right after his 3rd birthday, like clockwork, the episodes subsided dramatically, and by age 4, he was overall an easy, pleasant kid. Of course, the easily frustrated, perfectionist nature is still there, he has just learned to cope better.
You, on the other hand, were a completely easy-going, adorable baby and toddler, but a little before your third birthday your "stubborn stage" hit. The triggers were probably, once again, the arrival of a new baby (Sam), and potty-training. It was actually in the potty training experience that we saw a lot of this "stubborn stage" begin to manifest. We learned that you internally stressed about expectations a lot more than it seemed. We always felt like you were so easy-going, but learned that you kept your feelings of stress hidden. We also learned that you were a pretty stubborn girl and liked to have control over your life (I mean you ARE a woman :). Potty training was difficult, and we eventually let off and let you do it when you were ready because it became such a power struggle. You wanted to wear what you wanted, started having many "dramatic" episodes involving running upstairs to your room and slamming the door. You would burst into tears at random times and dig your heels in on various things all day long. Of course, during this time, I had Sam, became pregnant with Ezra, and then you had two babies who you loved to dote on, but were also making it difficult for me to carry and hold you like you wished. You were, and still are, a very affectionate person and wanted me to carry you a lot of the day. With my back problems and pregnancies this was difficult, and very frustrating to you. Around age 4 1/2, or shortly after Ezra was born, your "stubborn episodes" started to decrease, and by age 5 you were a helpful, happy, sweet, rational girl, who still has a lot of stubbornness, but has learned to channel it and be more reasonable.
Now back to realtime, Sam. We'll call this his "angry stage," because that is how his "terrible twos" have been and continue to be manifest. His "switch" started around the 15 month mark, just like Adley's. I'm sure having a baby brother born at just that time was a huge trigger (I see a pattern here :). Sam has been a particularly intense kid from the get-go, but around 15 months his episodes of anger have increased and intensified. They began to subside a little this fall, but have cropped up again the last few weeks with greater intensity. Another trigger for Sam is his eczema, which flares up particularly in the early summer and early winter, I guess with the most extreme temperatures. We are hoping to get this under control and see a gradual diminishing of the unreasonable craziness by springtime, shortly after his third birthday.
At least this is what I hope. The thing is, even when you have gone through it before, there is a part of you that is a little nervous, thinking, "wow, maybe this time I HAVE actually produced the spawn of Satan," or "maybe I will have a child that chucks chairs and hits me and screams and takes things and pushes and hits and cries incessantly when they are 18." It's a scary thought. But, in my rational moments I remind myself that I thought this before, and I was wrong. Once again, the wisdom of the ages held true, it really was "just a stage." So, with that in mind, do what you can to survive. I try and read a million parenting books and stay as calm, consistent, and rational in the face of two-year-old craziness as much as possible (the key word is "try"). I put both Adley and Sam in preschool at 2 to give me a tantrum break two mornings a week. I know this isn't always doable for everyone, but getting a break from your difficult young child from time to time is a priority, and helps you be a better mother when you are with them. Whether it's switching with another mother, asking family to help out, or preschool, it's worth the effort. Be kind to yourself during this time as well, dealing with a toddler is exhausting and can really make you feel like a failure. TRY and remember that it is just a stage and any angry words/violence toward you from this age group is NOT how they really feel, don't take it personal. You have the toughest job on the planet, but are the only one that can do it right, and you will!
No comments:
Post a Comment